yeah. I’m probably not going to post for a while. I have had the worst day of my life so far. just one bad thing after another it sucked. so yeah im takeing a bit of time off.

i feel like gushing here sorry, but yeah I cant really talk to anyone in my family about it they never seem to eather take intrest or unserstand me. that or they like to twist it ;/

anyway yesterday i had to go to collage. latly ive been haveing the worst headakes ever, ive been sent home 4 times now becuase there that bad. i whent to specsavers to get ym eyes checked out seems there fine but i need glasses so yeah ive got glasses now. im not that botherd about it but the iritate my face to much. but im sure ill get used to them. anyway i really shoudlnt be in collage, ive been taking time off becuase im overly stressed. so they forced me back saying there going to kick me out so im more stressed then when i began. i have no problem with the work i just hate going in.

that was the first thing thats been getting me all in a shitty mood. i was ment to go today but i woke up feeling strange. you know sometimes you get that feeling in the pit of your belly. feeling slightly dizzy and sick? i nomraly get it when i know something bad is going to happen. every time i get it someone is eather dieing or dies within the next day or so. so yeah i do truely belive people can sence death becuase i can.

anyway i was in bed it was around 8am i put that feeling down to being hungry in the morning which often i wake up feeling a bit sick. about half an hour later my brother came running upstares shouting at me to come down stairs. his exact words were ‘you better coe down stairs and say your last goodbuys to jack’ thats all he sadi then ran downstaris again.

of cource i was shocked. i qucikly sat up and tryed to understand what he had just said. jack. he was our dog. a little jack russle terrior cross. sure he was scruffy but he was the runt of the litter. jack had lived 13 +1/2 years before he died today. that meands i myself was only 4 years older than him. i cant remeber a time when jack wasnt there. the firthist back i can remeber was when i was in nurcery, and i still remember jakc being there.

i know your probably thinking im silly abotu getting so upset over a dog…but he wasnt just a dog. ive never had many friends ive always been rather lonely. it was nice to have someting i would spend time with even if it was a furry animal i was happy with it. i know its rather sad but i cant help it its not like my parents pay the slightest bit of atention to me. jack himself also preferd me over everyone else. probably becuase i spent the most time with him even when he was old. in the past year he had got piles. the ver said that we coudlnt have stopped it and we should just let him live his last days out that was ages ago probably about a year and a half ago. he lived a lot mroe than the vet had expected. becuase of the piles he often smelled rather bad but he couldnt help it. my mother would often shoo him out of the front room were the tv was becuase of this. i felt so bad for him becuase jack liked to watch tv too. and even if he wasnt watching it he always liked being in the same room as everyone.

most of my family would not pet him anymore because of this too. it was sad. jack wasnt even that bad sure he smelled a bit like rotting flesh but it was hard to pick up  you would have to litoraly have to stick your face right against him to smell it. so im sure he was lonely too. of cource i still petted him. i loved him just becuase he was sick i wouldnt treat him any diffrent.

today i came down staris after putting on some pants hw was laying in the kition on this front. he was twitching and panicking he knew he wa going to die. he sat down and stroked him for a good 15 muinets. he was on his way out he was suffering. i coudlnt help but cry. i didnt want to see anyone like this let alone jack. i knew he would die someday but i always hoped it would be peaceful and in his sleep. not like this.

after a while we all said good bye. he was put down.

we burryed him next to zara. his adoptive mother. that is why we got him. zara herself was depresed or something im not sure i was way to young to know. jack being there really cheered her up.

i cryed for ages. i mean ages. till about 11 o’clock than my mother and father said we had to go to my sisters house. i didnt want ot go out but i felt like my dad was prussureing me to do it. i felt auful and to be honest i looked auful. still i whent. i didnt feel like fighting with my dad. we called a taxi becuase we dont have a car. now let me tell you something. I cant get into cars. just being near them makes me feel sick. i chocked it down adn got in again i didnt want to fight. i didnt want to go out eather just a few horus before..well youknow.

about half way there i coudlnt take it i HAD to get out. the car stoped adn i basicly jumped out before ti stoped. i had nearly threw up but i held it down. i sat down on the wall of a house in order to help my sick feeling go down. i felt dizzy destressed tired and most of all upset. but no my parents were pissed off becuase they had to pay hte taxi driver but still had to walk. they didnt even need to get out. i did. i would be fine walking to my sisters house myself it was only 5 muinets away. but no they just lvoe a reason to bitch at me. although they didnt say anything the dirty looks i got spoke louder then there words ever could. althoguh i wasnt crying anymore i sure felt like doing it the hole time at mysisters house i was fighting back just braking down.

it didnt help that they woldnt stop talking about jack. at least i got to hold and feed my sisters little gil who had jsut been born a week ago. and i got to see my sisters son brendon who was 7. althoguh i know he ment well he always liked to jump on me and sit on my lap. i still felt very sick and that didnt help. eventualy we left i had hardly said anything at all expt can you burp chelcy. im not good with babys.

on the way home we couldnt get a taxi back i refused to get into a car again.  my mother was bitching about that nonstop. i still felt really sick. he eneded getting on a bus into town. it was 10 muinets away im nomraly completly fine on buses but i felt sick alredy we had to get off again and walk again. i dont see why i was getting all this crap i didnt even whant to go out in the first place. i felt like crap and somethign very bad had happend to me. i just wanted to curl up in bed and have a good sob. but no i coudlnt do that. we made it to town and my parents got somethign to eat. i wasnt hongry i felt sick but i choked it down well most of it. they payed for it so iknow if i didnt have any they would be all up in my face about it.

after that my parents left me in town becuase i didnt want to get the bus. i walked home. about a mile and a half in the sun. if you dont know im i am extreamly pail i cant go out in the sun for more than 10 or 15 muinets. its painful. i walked home slowly i didn thave the energy and i felt sick. i got sunburn quite a bit. espesualy on my back.

when i got home noone even botherd to say anything my brother was in my room playing my xbox. some shooting game im not sure i dont even play my xbox its an older model so whatever. i told him to get out and i lied in bed for i think 5 hours i never whent to sleep i jsut lied there im not sure why. jsut kinda did it.

i got up finaly to pee becuase i have a very weekbladder. when i had whent i walked out of the bathroom which is direcly at teh top of my stairs . my mother was staring at me fro the bottom. it wasnt a sad look or anything she looked angry i dont know why. i walked down stairs into the kitvh she was there doing something im not sure what i jsut got a drink of water and whent back to my room. even in the kitched i coudl see she was angry abotu somethign with me. what did i do? i really dont know. eventaly i brought myself to go on the computer after finding my glasses since im ment to where them infron o fthis thing.

and wow here i am now typeing this.

and that is probably the worst day of my life so far. im sure there are many people who have had a way worce day but well i havent this is a big deal for me. id be glad if you understood why i was takeing some time off.

ok thankyou ;w;